Solar Return

Thoughts turning 28. Voiceover recommended. Scroll to the bottom for my Libra Season playlist <3

This past decade, I have been driven by a desire to help other people. I tried in many ways with varying success: Working in abortion care during the 2020 lockdown, volunteering, protesting, engaging in mutual aid, trying to solve my loved ones problems for them, going to therapy, being an emergency contact, etc. Some of these things were fruitful, others misguided. Maybe it’s my Libran nature, but I spend a lot of time thinking about what I can be doing to make the world a better place. I have also spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking about climate change, authoritarianism, my bodily safety as a trans person, and my loved ones.

There was a point in the past four years where I decided that turning inward and focusing on healing my wounds and trauma would be the best way for me to contribute to my community in a sustainable way. For most of my young adult years, I embodied the energy of the Knight of Swords. I jumped in at every thought or idea I had, I got zealous and passionate about my beliefs, and I rode in with swords swinging. There was a point where I had to stop and consider what I was swinging at, and why. Is this political argument online worth my energy? Am I consistently able to risk my bodily safety with the police state? Are the people I’m jumping into relationships with supporting my growth, passions, and ideas? I’ve had to learn discernment, to not take the first spark of an idea and run with it before I know if I can sustain the flame.

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I am always hesitant to refer to anything as “innate.” I don’t believe in “nature versus nurture” because to nurture is a part of nature. We are born with so many generations held in our bones, so much wisdom that divides in our cells as embryos. These beliefs have often led me to wonder why I am the person that I am. What was I taught as a child, what events have led me to yearn to serve others? I’m beginning to realize these are questions that are not worth asking of myself. Why should I explain myself when being driven by compassion comes so naturally to me? Instead of spending my energy analyzing every facet of my personality, I can just simply be me.

The compulsion to explain myself is a trauma response that is difficult to overcome. I am at a point in my life where I don’t need to be defending myself or my position to anybody. My decisions need no justification because I trust myself. I have had so many people that I loved belittle my thoughts, ideas, and make me question myself. I can’t help but look back and see that as a reflection of my power that I could not see - that I was being led away from out of others’ fear of it. Now, I sit firmly in my power. I don’t need to ride out and prove that I have something to give to the world, or that I have something to say. Giving flows from me naturally. I am speaking right here.

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While wanting to help other people is a noble goal, I am not a noble person. Wanting to help others assumes that others need my help. It implies that I have answers to questions that I might not have the right to answer. It is ego-centered to believe I have help to give. I am realizing that there is fertile soil underneath this wilted desire. When I dig deeper, I find that I don’t want to step out into the world as a helper, but as a healer. To be a healer is not to seek out the sick, but to plant myself where I can create medicine. It is being a resource to those who seek the medicine I have to offer. Healing begins with the work I do with myself and that work radiates outward. Healing is a process, a way of life, and a praxis. It is part of my path to becoming an elder.

My goal in this life is to be an elder in my community. I understand that many generations of my family will die with me. It seems that we are living within the last generations of humanity itself. There are generations of Palestinians being targeted and killed as I type this. I need to be very intentional with the life that surrounds me. The leaves here are turning crimson and honey, and the chill air tells me that I will survive another winter. But, it is only a matter of time before disaster strikes and we will come together to survive, or die. Appalachia is a sacred land that is changing quickly. The powers that be do not have the power to shield us from what the climate will bring. I feel freed in the knowledge that no matter how many armed guards stand in front of grocery stores, there isn’t enough money to stop the earth from providing food. There will always be more hands that choose tenderness when we are in chaos.

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The Queen of Wands guides me into this next phase of my life. She is passionate, discerning, expressive, and creative. She isn’t afraid to burn down the castle if it means fertilizing the next project. The Queen of Wands shows her love like no other. She’ll stoke the fire in you when all you have is embers and ash. She’ll provide warmth after you’ve played in the snow for a little too long, fingers blue and numb. This Queen doesn’t need you to justify your actions or have anything material to show for your dreams. She sees every spark in you as worthy of love and care, even if the most loving thing is to let one spark die so a brighter one can glow in its place.

I have been dancing with this Sun for 28 years now. I reflect its rays in the hearth of my soul. I have planted myself firmly in these mountains by three rivers teeming with spirits. I’m not here to understand why I exist now, in this time at the edge of all that is Divine, surrounded by horrors and awe. I am here because I have offerings to give and sacrifices to make. Whatever I create in this world will reveal all that I need to know.

Myself picking apples at a local orchard.

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Enjoy my Libra Season playlist: