Reflections and Readings for the Aquarius New Moon

New moons are a time to set intentions, sinking into the deepest shadows to find the next light. This cycle, I assess my tendency to over-commit and too-quickly jump into new relationships.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Affirmation: My energy is a gift that I give with intention.

I have historically been someone who gives my time and energy to people because they’ve given me attention, my social circle shaped by who wants me around. I think Libra men get a bad reputation because we enjoy personal connection and flirting, but when it comes to longevity, we can seem or feel committed to a relationship and then realize we’ve jumped in too deep, too fast. Or, we’ve started more relationships than we can sustainably manage. Being Earth dominant with a Taurus rising, I tend to dig my heals into my commitments even if I am actively watching myself lose all sense of self and well-being for a relationship. I have been in relationships where I see red flag after red flag, pointing them out along my journey, thinking they don’t signify danger for me. Then, months down the line, I am panicking over once again needing to get out of a draining relationship that I should have never allowed to get that far in the first place.

I have noticed this happen enough times that I would characterize it as a pattern or cycle. Someone new comes into my life, we connect, and I am in, with little vetting process or consideration of the energy I have to give. This is a time of year where this cycle seems to culminate, and I feel the weight of the events that have happened to me during these months. Assaults, traumas, breakups, they have a repeating pattern of their own. The start of 2024 differs from previous years because I am in a good place with my relationships. I am not in an abusive or manipulative partnership and I have built solid foundations with a network of friends who all love and care about me. I have trust in myself and no longer belittle the person I am.

Often, it is times of stability that feel the most unstable. Now that I have built a strong foundation in my life, I can see how rocky things have been in the past. Stepping onto a solid surface and feeling stillness is frightening, especially when your head hasn’t caught up with your feet. You look back and see what you just got out of from a new perspective, and what was once normalized becomes gut-wrenching. Stability can be scarier than anything faced in the past. We often step back into tumultuous habits or cycles because they feel familiar, and breaking these cycles can feel wrong, regardless of the personal toll.

Looking at the pain of your past from a solid vantage-point takes courage. In the midst of turbulence, there is no time to feel or process every emotion or reaction your body is having. Those reactions get stored away for when things calm down and we have time and space to sort it all out. If surviving every day is what you are preoccupied with, then there’s only so much you can take at once. What might be a normal daily event for you could traumatize someone who has never been in your shoes. Given differing material circumstances, some people never get to a place where they can sit and sort out everything they’ve been through. Many people avoid the place where they can process through their history, jumping back into the storm for fear of what they’ll see in the stillness.

It takes conscious effort to break a cycle once you’ve gained or found the means to change. I am aware of my tendency to jump into all types of relationships solely because new relationship energy feels so good. Next thing I know, my calendar is blocked off for everyone and everything but myself. I contort myself to please other’s emotions without first checking in to see if I want to be doing the things I’m agreeing to. I feel obligated to be in someone’s life just because they want me in theirs, and most of the time it isn’t even me that they want, but an idea of me. How many times have I bared my soul believing it would bring someone to love and care for me, just to have them hurt me or turn away from me without a word?

Breaking this cycle has been a process. A year ago, I began to see this pattern in its fullness for the first time. Now, I still find myself emotionally tangled up in these repeated decisions. It isn’t just attention that pulls me into new relationships, it’s attention that feels flattering. It’s the allure of potential, idealized futures. I’m really a sucker for feeling special, to the point where I’ll imagine that someone sharing important details about their life story with me is a reflection of me being important to them. I have learned that sharing trauma is not always an act of vulnerability. I am learning to trust slowly, pay attention to actions over words, and be honest about the time I have to give.

Affirmation: I take time to honor and communicate my boundaries.

In astrology, Aquarius is traditionally ruled by Saturn. In contemporary times, it is ruled by both Saturn and Uranus.¹ Saturn is the planet of restriction, discipline, and responsibility. “Wherever Saturn sits in the natal chart, we can be sure matters are slowed down, heavy, painstaking;” and “lessons are long, drawn-out, detailed, nuanced, and well-earned”.² Saturn is a mentor pushing us to our greatest potential by encouraging diligent and patient work. Being a ruler of Aquarius, Saturnian energy washes over this New Moon and contributes to the slowness of this time of year. Intentions set now don’t need to be rushed. We may feel that we are engaged in hard, internal work with no real end in sight, or with no clear idea of what the end result will be. According to writer, astrologer, and teacher Jeanna Kadlec:

What is planted under this moon answers to grandmother Saturn, and what answers to Saturn does not immediately burst forth, but rather, grows slowly, but with the promise of extraordinary longevity.

In my chart, Saturn is in the sign of Aries. Aries is the sister sign of Libra, which means they energetically balance each other. Both cardinal signs, their energy is directed outward. While Libra is concerned with the “we” and community building, Aries is concerned with the “I,” an independent and assertive leader. Being a Libra, I embody the energy of the “we.” My “I” is informed by “us.” I thrive in communal spaces and I care deeply about nurturing safety, justice, and accountability. I love connecting with new people and I easily take on others’ problems as my own.

My Saturn being in Aries is an astrological lesson in what it takes for me to find balance. According to my natal chart overview on Cafe Astrology: “[He] is bothered by a ‘me-first’ attitude in others, but must learn that ‘me-first’ is sometimes necessary, in moderation.” Putting myself first is a diligent practice. I am afraid of disappointing others, and will avoid taking my own space if I think it’ll hurt someone for me to back away. The Aquarius New Moon encourages me to turn inward and take stock of my emotional world. How am I respecting my own boundaries? How am I embodying the values I want to see in the world? Where am I growing and how can I nurture that growth?

Another dimension is added to this reading when looking at the Houses in my natal chart. Each of the twelve Houses in astrology corresponds to an area of our lives, such as our will, our partnerships, and our vocations. “If the signs of the zodiac show ‘how’ planets express themselves, the houses of the natal chart reveal ‘where’ these energies play out”.³ In my natal chart, Saturn is in the Twelfth and final House. The Twelfth House is difficult to summarize and understand - it is “that which is hidden or below the surface, karma”.⁴ Celestial Bodies Oracle characterizes this house as ineffable: “Planets contained here are made invisible to the native, and must be brought out by intentional meditative work”.⁵ So, not only is prioritizing myself a slow, dedicated process, but it also manifests itself in the karmic lessons of my life. It takes intentional, meditative effort because it is part of my spiritual journey.

It is not immediately apparent to me when I’m failing to put myself first. When I’ve experienced lessons in the importance of prioritizing myself, I didn’t learn until something extreme happened. I have willingly gone through events that emotionally destroyed me, believing consenting to keep others happy was the same thing as having my consent. I have blamed being insecure for feeling hurt when my boundaries are broken. I have been baffled and devastated by my seeming lack of ability to notice when I’m holding other people’s desires above my own needs and boundaries. By habitually placing others before me, I am swept up into exhausting situations that I don’t always realize are happening until I have no choice but to stop and look around. Then, it takes deeper pause to figure out what prioritizing myself would even mean or feel like in the situation at hand.

What is the embodied experience of putting myself first? I quietly pause to listen to what my body is saying. I reassure the seriousness of my needs. I feel valued. I become sure in my decisions. I kneel in front of my altar and speak out loud, watching the water of my emotions pour out before me. Aquarius, the water bearer, is a companion I love. It reminds me that turning inward is the best way to spread change outward. Through these repetitive lessons, I have learned to notice the early signs of over-extending myself. Recently, I found myself feeling as if I was high on a trapeze in a new relationship. I asked myself, “Whose tightrope is this?” A veil lifted and I saw the unstable path before me. I was disappointed in its familiarity. I turned back and climbed down the ladder, finding solid ground once more. I cannot prove my value through balancing others’ expectations of me. My value isn’t determined by other people because no one can value me the way I can.

Following the guidance of the moon and turning to astrology helps me analyze the spiritual and interpersonal events of my life. I center myself energetically through this process. Saturn is an important planet in the zodiac because it has a strong, slow gravitational pull. It stays in a sign for 2.5 years, and our “Saturn return” is when it comes back to where it was when we were born, about every 27-30 years. Many people my age are beginning to enter their first Saturn return, seeing how hard, repetitive lessons from the past three decades have culminated in their lives. My Saturn return is next, and I feel its approach. I anticipate this cycle to reveal the abundance that comes when I habitually stop, check in with myself, and meet my needs.

Affirmation: I value myself so that I know when others value me.

1. Cafe Astrology - Saturn & Celestial Bodies Oracle by Devany Amber Wolfe, Cristina Farella, and Kaitlyn Kaerhart

2. Celestial Bodies Oracle, 69-70

3. Cafe Astrology - Houses of the Horoscope

4. Cafe Astrology - Houses of the Horoscope

5. Celestial Bodies Oracle, 230