Thoughtfully, I am Here

Reflecting on how I blend and balance my online and offline spaces. I want to live in one seamless reality, where all actions I take are in service to something greater.

A photo I took in Allegheny National Forest, 2022

I have recently been invigorated by intentionally engaging with long-form content online. It is refreshing to read thoughtful reflections that have been written with dedicated time. This practice is keeping me from clinging to the horrors of my personal Twitter and Instagram pages, which are filled with important evidence of ongoing genocide. These platforms have proven to be useful and necessary tools in documenting and sharing updates on movements on the ground. They are less helpful with actually engaging with what is happening, or information digestion. It is, of course, a privilege to be on this end of the screen, sitting in my warm bed and having the ability to visually turn away from mass death. Nonetheless, I am learning how to balance witnessing with my energy levels and the need to do more than just watch. I find witnessing to be extremely important, as has been proven by the gratitude expressed by Palestinians for sharing their stories, as well as the speed of mass organizing against the genocide. But, we can’t really act while we are doomscrolling.

I am finally finding myself in online spaces that feel intellectually fulfilling and genuinely community-building, which improves my confidence in how I spend my time offline. In February, I caught covid for the third time, so I’ve been needing to stay inside more. It is hard to tell what is lingering covid, what is normal aging, and what are the effects of living in a particularly polluted city. I become exhausted much faster, I am constantly thirsty, drinking alcohol physically hurts, and strong smells make it hard to breathe. Ultimately, what matters is my subjective reality and flowing with my physical needs, not necessarily the minute causes of every experience. Although, knowing cause does help prevention. I could rant about people not masking,¹ and how covid affects immunity,² and our system’s complete disregard for human lives,³ but my energy is better spent on other topics.

I sense my life heading towards a future where I need to be inside more often. We all are, realistically speaking, but the privilege of being able to stay inside is a different story. I am lucky to have been provided with the opportunity to achieve a job that allows me to have a decent amount of flexible remote hours. Since leaving the house takes much more out of me than it used to, I have to be even more intentional with how I engage in the movement. Devon Price recently published an essay, “Autistic Tips for Political Organizing,” which provides great insight and advice for anyone who needs significant, dedicated time to recharge. I’ve honestly struggled with feeling like I’m actually doing the work since I stepped back from front-lines activism in 2020. My mental health symptoms in general make being in the streets hard for me, and the recovery time I need after witnessing police violence and being tear-gassed is long enough that my skills are better used elsewhere. I’m happy to have found resources for alternative ways of contributing and affirmations that the front lines aren’t for everyone.

Reading the literature, increasing my mental/emotional capacities, building connections, contributing resources, and having in-person conversations are what work for me. I am someone with a large network of friends who can be called upon to gather necessities and nurture community. The power of slowing down is huge for me, especially since I work in a fast-paced field that treats workers as replaceable cogs in a machine. My job can be exhausting, but my position provides me with opportunities. If one cog slows down, so does the rest. I refuse to stay silent on human rights issues while I’m at work, and I utilize my voice to bring attention to those whose voices are being erased. I am here for uncomfortable conversations, awkward interactions, and making information accessible. It is helpful for me to write this out because I do still have self-doubt about my ability to contribute. In the realm of making the world a better place, I want to be a hearth that people can come to for safety and rest. I want to spread warmth and understanding and be a listening ear. I want to provide food and shelter. This requires me to take care of myself.

Writing essays has been like returning to my favorite forests, breathing the fresh air and feeling the pulse of the earth. I have been so moved to write in a way I haven’t felt in years. This practice bridges the gap for what I do on and offline, allowing me to feel like I live in a full world that isn’t fragmented by screen-space and reality. It’s all reality in this life, and one of my goals is to increase my intentional interactions with strangers that feel positive and human. So, thank you for being here as a friend, a newcomer, or both. I’ve put out 10-minute reads the past few weeks so I wanted to drop in with something shorter and more direct. My essays on Buttons (the first of which is now live) aren’t going to come out one after the other. It’s going to take me time, especially since I want to dedicate one full essay to his death. This will be difficult for me but I am looking forward to sharing it because of how beautiful and painful it was. I honor Buttons by memorializing him in this space.

If you want to engage with me in other online spaces, I highly suggest joining CJ the X’s book club, which can be accessed for only $3/month on Patreon. The current read is You are Not a Gadget (2010) by Jaron Lanier, which is a prescient book critiquing the ideologies behind the design of the public internet. I have only read up to the second chapter and it has already illuminated basic facts on software design that explain so much about the digital realm. I also highly, highly suggest Jaron’s recent article in the New Yorker titled “There is No A.I.” It really reduces some of the hyper-reactionary fear we have to the current “AI revolution,” as it stands. I also have a more casual online space for spiritual offerings on Instagram. I’m considering making a website as well, but we’ll see how that shakes out! I’ll now leave you with this song that Bumps and just makes me feel good:

1. If 80% of Americans Wore Masks, COVID-19 Infections Would Plummet, New Study Says - Vanity Fair

2. COVID Impacts - Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center

3. By framing covid prevention as an individual issue of getting vaccinated and masking, instead of governmental policy decisions that would increase paid sick leave and access to medical care, the medical-political system (that we all collectively pay money to!) avoids accountability for mass death.